As part of the Little Black Book series, we are presented with material written by Don Miguel Ruiz, the claim in the book itself is it’s all based on the ancient wisdom of the Toltec people, who lived in central Mexico for the first few centuries of the 2nd Millennium CE. I swear at one point I read there was contention about Ruiz’s specific claims, but I can’t find it right now. Whether it’s truly from an ancient peoples, an interpretation of possible oral traditions passed down, or just a marketing scheme, the book has sold quite well over many years.

The book itself can diverge into more spiritual ideas stemming from the Toltec “connection,” but the Agreements themselves are what’s interesting. It should be noted that there are those out there with legitimate concerns around these Agreements, because if they are taken to their most logical extreme bad things could happen. So, as with any philosophy or ideology, I suggest very deliberately cherry picking. I think you should take what you can from them, apply them to the 80-90% of your life where they are most relevant, then use some other philosophy or ideology to help fill out the remaining percentage.

No single “hey, do this” idea will ever be 100%. I’ll be honest, I’d love to put together something that could reach a 90-95% success rate for people, but that’s not just egotistical on its face, it’s reckless to think any one living being has that complete an understanding to provide such universal guidance. I think the phrase “do no harm but take no shit” stands pretty high on what I would list in a “Ten Commandments” style list, but then what does that mean under a given circumstance? I don’t know…

So, here we dive into the Agreements a little bit, but at most we’re walking around in the pool with our feet still firmly on the bottom and our heads well above.

#1: Be Impeccable With Your Word

Curiously, this is the one people generally find the most trouble with, even Ruiz knows this is probably the most difficult one to truly achieve. The idea with this is, to oversimplify it a bit, “say what you mean and mean what you say.” Speak with integrity, speak with directness and honesty, but really think before actually speaking because “you own every word you speak” (that comes from the L5R RPG by the way, but it applies here).

Really, this one is something we should be able to follow most of the time, so I rather disagree with the complications suggested about this one. Sure, there are times to say something other than the absolute unvarnished truth, but it’s also important to understand that you must live with the consequences of that which you say. To me, this means that if you need to say something either more politely or even not at all (“if you have nothing nice to say…”), if you are caught or called out for it, you must be prepared to have a discussion about your rationale and accept whatever happens with the affected relationship.

Let’s say it’s best to speak with integrity, sincerity being second best.

#2: Don’t Take Anything Personally

This one has become my favorite, and it’s something I’ve had to go through hell and back to really grasp its importance to me. To me, this one is also the most difficult, because when someone causes you harm, mental or physical, it certainly seems personal. You are the target of their attack(s). From something as small as being told “no” up to a truly extreme case of violence – you may be the victim, but I would suspect that most times you are not also the cause. I mean, if you bait someone into a fight and then you get punched, yes you’re a victim of that violence, but you also literally asked for it. However, that other person still had a choice to make, inasmuch is their brain chemistry going to act on your goading or not. So, are we then chasing who is “at fault?” This could get very circular very quickly and it could never end…

Still, the point, at least as far as I’m interpreting it for myself – and Don Miguel would agree with, is everyone is doing the same thing you are. We’re all trying to figure out life, trying to figure out how to function in this physical existence, trying to contend with internal and external stimulus, our conscious and unconscious, bundled with our biases and our anxieties… Basically, we’re all a mess, so granting others the benefit of the doubt is a huge win for YOU – It’s not for THEM. Just like forgiveness is not about them it’s about you. Sure, some things that people do are going to hurt and they could hurt for years, but to hold a spiteful grudge… How does the Buddha put it? “Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.”

I’m not saying you have to tell them you forgive them, not everything requires closure. What I am saying is, for your own sanity, acknowledge that the hurt played upon you was not because of you, so don’t hold onto it in a way that’s going to be detrimental to you. Please.

#3: Don’t Make Assumptions

This one ties in pretty well with the 2nd Agreement, but I have a very dear friend of mine who will probably appreciate this one more than the rest, because it involves asking lots of questions. So, once you’re over the idea that the situation you are in is personal, you then have to strip away other assumptions. The only way to do this is with information, and the only way to acquire information is ask questions – even reading a book on a subject is asking the question, “What can reading this book teach me about the subject?”

I know, pretty straightforward.

The thing I’m trying to teach my kids, as well as myself, is ask questions. Don’t be afraid to look ignorant, because you may also be helping others who are afraid to ask. This one can take courage if you’re around people who are new or you don’t know or you have general anxiety in social situations like I do.

Ask the question(s). Gain the knowledge. Act based on the relevant information.

Oh, and you CAN ask too many questions, so be mindful.

#4: Always Do Your Best

I don’t like this one. I mean… I do, but… sometimes you want to just do the bare minimum to get it done. That’s not doing your best, but it is at least accomplishing the task… Can you tell I’m an overthinker? I struggle with self-esteem, anxiety, perfectionism… You probably can’t tell it in the various entries, but that’s because I’m mostly shooting from the hip. I will have some entries I will attempt to research incessantly, but my areas of expertise are… well… not what I write about, oddly enough.

To me, my efforts are never my best, even if I do complete what’s in front of me.

Ruiz, however, would likely agree that I’m overthinking this, because his contention is more about doing your best effort in any given moment so you avoid judging yourself too harshly. As with anything, learn from the situation, what could you have done better, and add it to your methodology for next time, but know that your “best” should constantly grow.

Avoid the self-judgment, the regret, by doing what you can in that moment and your “best” should always get better.

Conclusion

I like these – they’re simple, which can be dangerous, but they can also provide guardrails to consider when dealing with something. Try them out, see what you think.